U.S. Seeks to Enlighten Sightless Peruvians on Economics of Protected Lands

Are Peruvians blind? Can't they see that they can rake in infinitely greater amounts of cash by raping their natural protected lands, rather than preserving such national treasures to appease a bunch of whiny environmentalists?

According to tentative plans of the U.S. Dept. of the Interior to hold an International Workshop on Economics somewhere near Lima, the citizens of Peru apparently do need new glasses. But do not fear, dear Peruvians, for in spite of your ineffective eyeballs, my elected leaders (and their appointed cronies) in Washington, D.C. can help you see the financial light. The Interior Dept. on Tuesday (Jan. 17) began searching for a knowledgeable person from industry or academia to help gently twist your arms so your failing eyes will at least focus in the right direction. Don't worry, because according to a "sources sought" notice posted to the FedBizOpps contracting database, the lucky candidate selected to hold this tentatively planned workshop must be experienced in "presenting economic data in convincing, comprehensible ways."

Wow, isn't that a gem of a job requirement that Interior slipped in there? Just think, if the document didn't mandate such verbal stealth for a competent workshop hombre, I -- and perhaps your entire country -- would have died laughing upon reading my government's claim that it wants to provide you with "tools to effectively analyze environmental values and apply micro-economics and conduct cost-benefit analyses in the management of protected areas."

Can that even be translated into Spanish, mis amigos? I hope so, for your sake, because I'm not really sure what the hell it all means in English. I'm certain, though, that it doesn't translate into, "Trees, bad. Oil rigs and natural gas pipelines, good."

Peru has 42 naturally protected areas, covering about 127 thousand square kilometers, I recently learned. I'm not sure what that amounts to in square miles, but I know it's the equivalant of "4.3% of the surface area of the country," the online Peru Parks Guide says.

I also discovered that, despite strict prohibitions against extracting resources in the intangible zones, plus limited use of the environment in the controlled use zones, there's still a possibility that U.S. and international investment partners may someday suck the alligators and parrots right out the way in what are known as reserved zones. Those particular areas are only being temporarily protected until a "category of more appropriate use is defined."

I wonder, then, if there's a connection between Interior's search for a experienced snake-oil salesman, and the fact that the reserved zones hypothetically are up for grabs?

The planning document I got my hands on says that the contractor chosen to lead the workshop "must guide participants through an application of benefit-cost analysis for a selected protected area in Peru." (emphasis added). It goes on to say that this specific part of the training "is especially important, since workshop participants will need to take the skills learned in the course and apply them to newly created protected areas within Peru."

Another comforting aspect of this gig is that the guy or gal who will lead it "must have extensive field experience in Latin America relating to protected areas and forestry issues." More than likely most bureaucrats in D.C., especially at the Executive Branch (i.e.: White House) level, don't have a clue about deforestation in the Amazon basin. It's a relief that a contractor for this project, even if he or she is forced at gunpoint to deny the existence of global warming while spitting on Kyoto Protocol documents, will be able to bring such a background to the table.