“If You Can’t Change ‘Em, Join ‘Em”: Live-Blogging Night II of McCain-Fest

By Al Giordano

Here's the official schedule for tonight's Republican National Convention.

The seven o'clock hour (Central Time) will attempt to show you that Republicans really don't all look like the delegates in the hall.

The next hour-and-a-half after that will try to make you like John McCain by reminding you of all the undesirable traits of those unsuccessful presidential candidates - Romney, Huckabee and Giuliani - who wanted to be in his five-hundred-dollar shoes tonight.

And the last half-hour will be Governor Palin's teleprompter driving test...

The drinking game is this: Every time a speaker mentions the word "change," take a sip. Even if they're small sips, my guess is that you'll be drunk by the closing gavel...

 7 p.m. to 8 p.m.

 

 Speaker: Dr. Elena Rios

 Speaker: Ruth Novodor

 Speaker: Christy Swanson

 Speaker: Texas Railroad Commission Chairman Michael Williams

 Speaker: Resident Commissioner of Puerto Rico Luis Fortuno

 Speaker: Meg Whitman, former President and CEO of eBay

 Video: Sen. McCain's Economic Reform Package

 Speaker: Carly Fiorina, former Chairman and CEO of Hewlett-Packard

 Prayer: Bishop Thomas Wenski

 

 8 p.m. to 9 p.m.

 Speaker: GOPAC Chairman Michael Steele

 Speaker: Former Gov. Mitt Romney (Mass.)

 Speaker: Former Gov. Mike Huckabee (Ark.)

 Musical Performance: John Rich, Gretchen Wilson, and Cowboy Troy

 

 9 p.m. to 10 p.m.

 Speaker: Former Mayor Rudy Giuliani (N.Y.)

 Speaker: Gov. Linda Lingle (Hawaii)

 Video: Sarah Palin

 Speaker: Vice Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin

Here are some excerpts from former Governor Romney's prepared remarks:

"We need change all right -- change from a liberal Washington to a conservative Washington! We have a prescription for every American who wants change in Washington -- throw out the big government liberals and elect John McCain...

"And at Saddleback, after Barack Obama dodged and ducked every direct question, John McCain hit the nail on the head: radical Islam is evil, and he will defeat it! Republicans prefer straight talk to politically correct talk...!

And Romney will also attack Michele Obama:

"Just like you, there has never been a day when I was not proud to be an American. We inherited the greatest nation in the history of the earth. It is our burden and privilege to preserve it, to renew its spirit so that its noble past is prologue to its glorious future. To this we are all dedicated and I firmly believe by the providence of the Almighty, that we will succeed. President McCain and Vice President Palin will keep America as it has always been -- the hope of the world."

Here are some excerpts from former Governor Huckabee's prepared remarks:

"I'm not a Republican because I grew up rich, but because I didn't want to spend the rest of my life poor, waiting for the government to rescue me...

 

"John McCain doesn't want the kind of change that allows the government to reach deeper into your paycheck and pick your doctor, your child's school, or even the kind of car you drive or how much you inflate the tires...

"Maybe the most dangerous threat of an Obama presidency is that he would continue to give madmen the benefit of the doubt.  If he's wrong just once, we will pay a heavy price."

This should start something in Italo-New York: Giuliani will plagiarize from Mario Cuomo's 1984 "city on a hill" speech!

"Governor Palin represents a new generation. She's already one of the most successful governors in America - and the most popular. And she already has more executive experience than the entire Democratic ticket. She's led a city and a state. She's reduced taxes and government spending. And she's actually done something about moving America toward energy independence - taking on the oil companies while encouraging more energy exploration here at home. Taxpayers have an advocate in Sarah Palin - she even sold the former governor's private plane on E-Bay...

"And as we look to the future never let us forget that - when we are at our best - we are the Party that expands Freedom.  We began as a party dedicated to freeing people from slavery... And we are still the party that is willing to fight for freedom at home and around the world. We are the party that wants to expand individual freedom and economic freedom... because we believe that the secret of America's success is not central government, it is self-government. ...And we are the party that believes unapologetically in America's essential greatness - that we are a shining city on the hill, a beacon of freedom that inspires people everywhere to reach for a better world."

And here are excerpts from Governor Palin's prepared speech:

"I had the privilege of living most of my life in a small town. I was just your average hockey mom, and signed up for the PTA because I wanted to make my kids' public education better. When I ran for city council, I didn't need focus groups and voter profiles because I knew those voters, and knew their families, too. Before I became governor of the great state of Alaska, I was mayor of my hometown. And since our opponents in this presidential election seem to look down on that experience, let me explain to them what the job involves. I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a 'community organizer,' except that you have actual responsibilities...

"I'm not a member of the permanent political establishment. And I've learned quickly, these past few days, that if you're not a member in good standing of the Washington elite, then some in the media consider a candidate unqualified for that reason alone. But here's a little news flash for all those reporters and commentators: I'm not going to Washington to seek their good opinion - I'm going to Washington to serve the people of this country...

"Here's how I look at the choice Americans face in this election. In politics, there are some candidates who use change to promote their careers. And then there are those, like John McCain, who use their careers to promote change..."

So, the boys will try to bloody up Obama who is tearing up the terrain in some "swing states" and putting them into the blue column: According to the new Time/CNN battleground state polls, he's up +15 points in Iowa, +12 in Minnesota (The Field thinks you can now safely move both states into the solid Obama category, and they bode well for neighboring Wisconsin, too) and he's up +2 in Ohio, where McCain has to win to have a prayer in the Electoral College.

And then Palin will come up and say "Change! Change! We want it, too!"

But do note, she also plans on running against the media... and will offer some snide remarks about community organizers.

Meanwhile, here's a new ad the Democrats put on the air today to introduce the JustMoreOfTheSame.com website:

So blog away, Field Hands! I'm going to make a quick beer run and, once back, hope you'll have kept me posted as to what has happened so far.

Update 7:58 p.m. I was thinking of posting the entire prepared texts of the Romney, Huckabee and Giuliani speeches here, but, gawd, much of them wouldn't make the cut for coherent comments 'round here. Thankfully, Wonkette has done it for us.

8:10 p.m. Romney is telling the crowd that "liberals" have been running Washington and the Supreme Court all along. Who knew?

8:17 p.m.: By the way, if you're joining us for the first time tonight, the real action is in the comments section, with the greatest (and often the funniest) supporting cast a blogger could want!

8:23 p.m.: Bored by Romney (and having already read his speech) I made the rounds and found this interesting report from Kelly O'Donnell at NBC's First Read: 

Palin worked until about midnight last night practicing her speech and resumed again this morning at 5 a.m., according to McCain advisors who have been with the Alaska governor day and night...

 

The governor was in "prompter practice" from 1 p.m. to 6 p.m. today, aides said. Last night at about 10:30 p.m., aides added, they did a full run-through at a practice podium in an effort to create the feeling of performing at the hour she will appear tonight.

McCain has called to check in a number of times, they said.

Prompter practice? Sheesh. From my experience as a singer, the only day one doesn't want to rehearse is the day of the show.

8:27 p.m.: Here's Huckabee, who will deliver the nastiest remarks vs. Obama tonight. Out of character, yes, but he reads what's put in front of him.

8:34 p.m.: Huckabee gets biggest applause lines of the night talking about how poor he was as a kid, how he had to use lava instead of soap and it hurt. Them Republicans sure love them some class traitor! (Did his folks wash his mouth out with rocks when he cussed? Just wonderin'.)

8:37 p.m.: Huckabee: "John McCain can't even raise his hand!" (Would somebody please escort the Senator to the men's room? He must really need to go badly! No, not that men's room at the Twin Cities airport here. It's occupied!)

8:42 p.m. Har-dee-har. T. Boone Pickens is being interviewed by Hannity & Colmes from the convention floor and is praising Obama's energy plan as outlined in his speech last week. Hannity: "What about John McCain?" Pickens: "I'm waiting to hear what he has to say." Hannity: "Here's Sarah Palin's speech text, she's for all these things. Isn't that great?" Pickens: "Not enough. She doesn't mention natural gas." Poor Hannity looks crestfallen.